Capulet and Montague Break Up

            “You Scottish flea-filled horse bag! You were my friend!” screams Lord Capulet in the face of Lord Montague. “Leave this kingdom and never return!”

           

            “Fine! I don’t need you!” an enraged Montague sweeps his hands in the general direction of the staring dinner party, “I don’t need any of you!”

            And with that, and a final gust of dramatic air, he leaves the dining hall, his long, purple robe flowing behind him.

            Wait. Hold on; let’s go back a little.

            It is Verona, Italy sometime in the late thirteenth century. Lord Montague and Lord Capulet talk and laugh at their table, drinking wine and each chewing on a large leg of mutton. They gleefully bask in the jealous gazes of hungry peasants that watch through the floor-length windows, and cackle at their good fortune together. The large, oak dining table is completely covered in every food imaginable- grapes, cheese, goat, turkey- everything you could ever want.

            Then it all falls apart.

            The greedy hand of Lord Montague snatches something off his pal’s plate, Lord Capulet goes silent. His renowned glare focused completely on the munching mouth of his former friend. Montague chews happily, unaware of his angered friend. Slowly, Capulet gets up and walks behind Montague. His hands lower to his shoulders and he leans in to his ear.

“Spit out the Nutter Butter, and no one gets hurt,” his voice is low and threatening, but Montague simply chokes out a laugh, swallows, and look up at the man behind him.

            “Calm down, old bloke. It’s just a cookie,” he reaches back and pats Capulet’s shoulder. The peasants outside go still.

            “…Just a cookie? That Nutter Butter is a symbol of how you take everything I want away from me! This kingdom, the crown, my girlfriend, Matilda!” his chest is heaving with rage, and grabs Montague’s chair. “It is not just a cookie!” with that, he tips the chair sideways and Montague tumbles down the small flight of stairs. Capulet roars with rage and breaks the chair in two.

            “Look, I’m sorry-“ starts Montague.

            “Get out of my house!” screams Capulet and throws the broken chair down at the quivering Montague. “Out!”

And that, my friend, is why you never, ever touch another man’s Nutter Butter.